I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
