She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
