Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pants are for mortals
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
