I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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