He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im holly from the hills drunk
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
