I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
