also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
