If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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