I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
