Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
