You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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