Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
