laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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