i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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