you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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