You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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