my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
