The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
