just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
