Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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