just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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