Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
