Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
