Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
