I need to stop coming to work sober
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
