I think im going to throw up on grandma
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
