On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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