the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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