Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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