I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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