the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
