U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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