: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
