I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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