Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Someone shattered a urinal.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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