Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
