ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
