you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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