dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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