so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
