even my farts smell like vagina
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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