He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
