the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He told me they were just razor bumps!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
