my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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