he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
