when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
