On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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