What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
