Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
