lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
