I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
