i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
