there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
